Things I've learned this year...

** Spiders are just here to terrorize you – I turned on the front porch light to let me dog out last night and this stupid spider had webbed this ginormous web all down one side of the porch.  As soon as I stepped out onto the porch, he starts doing the electric slide.  Like really?  Dude, just sit there and I might not kill you, but you are taunting me by dancing in front of my face like you are gonna jump on my juggler.  Oh and Lysol disinfecting spray doesn’t kill the spider it’s a lot like spider crack cause he just started dancing faster like he was at a rave.

** Hot Wheels (my stepmom) thinks I want her to drop dead on a daily basis – Um okay, I’m the only child here taking care of you Sister Kate!  Yes, some days I want to throat punch her if she ask one more question about what is laying on the floor, or what you bought at the Target, or why you bought it, or who it’s for, or what’s on TV tonight, or why she has no volume on channel 4 but does on all the others, or is there gas in her car (when she don't drive.) etc….but I think she’s being a bit dramatic when she said that crap to me.  We had to have some serious mother-daughter coming to Jesus talk over that comment.

** It is possible for the Baby Jesus to dump a gazillion leaves in your pool in the middle of summer but not let one drop of rain fall from the sky – Wtf? I was out there for an hour getting leaves out of that pool.  Some rain might be nice big guy, I’m chafing down here.

** My child will always be able make friends – He started driving school on Monday and yesterday when I picked him up, he came walking out with three girls all around him.  Like seriously? He was worried that he wouldn’t know anyone. Couldn’t even text me all day cause he was swapping Instagram and phone numbers with some bitches.

** You never truly know another person ever – You can only know you and count on you, cause like my Dad used to tell me, “Everyone else in life will let you down at some point. You are the only person you can count on.” Words to live by people….. I think that I might have to have that tattooed on me somewhere as a reminder to never let anyone get really close. Cause they will do something at some point in the relationship that will blow your mind and you’ll be standing there with your hands up in the air saying, “What just happened?” This includes spouses and family members; no one is exempt from this motto.

** I think my mom might be eating whole sticks of butter when no one is looking, just to see the hot surgeon doctor (pictured above.) – She will be going in for her 569^th vein replacement surgery on her leg tomorrow so that she can spend some sweet quality time with his beautiful ass. He is so hot that I’d do him on top of Kenny, okay?

** Your Mother will forget that she can't feel her hands but offer to drive - So Hot Wheels has been either in a nursing home or I've been working part time to help care for her this whole year.  She can't walk without her walker on wheels and she can't pick up a sandwich without it looking like it was run through the blender but for some reason she thinks she can still drive a car.  I almost fell out of my chair, girl you can't put toothpaste on a toothbrush, how are you gonna drive a vehicle?  Then she got mad when I told her, "Not no, but Hell no, you won't be driving a car probably ever again so get used to it."

** Target is not supporting the handicap peeps - As much money as that company makes (and I mean just off me.) you would think that they could afford a few more actual working electric carts for the handicap people.  Walmart may be on a lower pay scale but they have 50 carts per store and they are always charged.  Target got two carts that are always depleted. Wtf Target? Get your lives together and put one of those teenagers in charge of charging the few carts that you do have.