Okay, so I’m in the line to pick Chandler up from high
school, minding my own business when I see this ginormous black spider crawl up
and onto my dash. Not a big fan of
spiders as a whole species. So at this
point, I had two options as there were cars parked on both sides of me. Option #1 involved me screaming like a bitch
being rape and murdered, jumping out of the car where I would surely have
gotten my foot caught inside the car then tumbled out onto the pavement with a
broken femur. Option #2 involved me very calmly opening my car door, stepping
very gracefully out of the car, picking up a heavy piece of mail to smash his
narrow ass with. I went with option #2,
but apparently said spider was way smarter than me and he ran back down into my
dash when he saw me pick up the mail piece.
He knew he was about to go party with spider Jesus!
At this point Chandler, my arachnophobic 15 year old hops in
the car with his 500 pound black backpack. We all know how well he handles any
crisis but take that reaction and multiply it by 100 and that is his fear of
spiders. As not to scare the bejesus out of him….
Me: Hey Babe, we might have a
slight problem today with the car.
Chandler: What! What is it?
Me: Okay, calm down but there
might be a baby spider in my dash. But he is on my side so you should be okay.
Chandler: Why didn’t you kill
him!
Me: I tried by he was super
smart and figured out my plan to smash his ass and he ran back down into the
dash. It’s okay.
We carried on our ‘how was your day at school’ talk for about ten
minutes as we drove to Walgreens to pick up one of our residents medications.
Sat in line for a good 35 minutes due to some woman needing her insurance card
checked at the park thru, I mean drive thru window. Finally this bitch pulls off and we pull up
only to have Chandler scream and throw his legs up on the dash of the car of a
VW Beetle…
Chandler: Omg, there it is! Holy shit!
This some bitch done crawled to the top of the windshield, and attacked us from above
by sliding down into Chandler lap…..Chandler’s 6 foot ass was screaming like a
bitch having her kidneys stolen with no knock out meds. I couldn't get my legs
up that high in a car that small for all the money in the world. His knees wew actually touching his ears!
Me: Omg! He’s on your black
backpack! We’re blind, we can’t see him cause he is black too! Get out of the
car! He's gonna eat us!
Chandler: Where did he go? Omg,
I hate spiders! (He falls out of the car, backpack and all. Stands up to search
the floorboard for stupid spider.)
Me: (By this time, I’m still
worried about the spider but I’m more worried that I just sat in that line for
35 minutes and that is 35 minutes of my life I won’t get back. So this is me to
the girl that is standing behind the glass holding the phone to her ear and
looking at us like we a circus act.) Hey, okay nothing against you personally
but you should really have people pull back around if they are going to be more
than a couple minutes. Every time I come here, I have to wait a good half hour
at this window!
Walgreens aid: Um, we did make her drive around and she is beside you
with her windows down. (about that time, Chandler is still doing the Scat dance
while trying to locate the spider.)
Lady in the next window that I just complained about: Hey, the spider is on the concrete right
there. You can calm down now.
Me: Omg, thanks so much!
Yep, paid for the meds and drove off with as much dignity as we might
have still had in tack. I peed my pants on the way home from laughing at
Chandler going into the hooker position in the front seat of that tiny car. Once
that spider was actually out of the car we could both laugh about it. If Chandler had been driving at the time, he would have driven that car right through the pharmacy wall of the Walgreens. Fucking
stupid spider.
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