Is it just me...

Or is it the air in Tennessee hot and sticky right now? I seriously have to put so much powder on my giant butt that I resemble a powdered doughnut when I walk out of the house.  And don’t even get me started on my hair in this dumb humidity…I have had to start just saying, ‘fuck it, I’m going with short bus hair today!’ Which makes me look like a fat Helga girl with two giant buns on either side of my head.  Such a hot look for the big girls. Even our pool water is like weird urine water all hot and funky….anyone want to come swim?

Or do driving bitches not have a lot of patience while riding the roads of Tennessee?  One of these impatient hookers if gonna make me get out of my child’s car during driving practice to yank them out of their car and beat them to death with their steering wheel while screaming, ‘Stop stressing my baby he is new to this whole driving thing and you riding his ass is not help any!’ Geez, when you see some hazard lights flashing, back the fuck off my bumper. Okay?

Or is everyone downsizing their personal belongings this year?  I sold my 1976 Serro Scotty camper that I loved and that was trapped in our backyard thanks to the extra brilliant contractor we hired to build a fence for us. Ask for an 8 foot gate to be put in front of the camper, but he felt that a 3 foot gate on the other side of the pool would be more effective.  Anyway back to downsizing, I realized this summer that I owned 16 bathing suits but really only wear two of them. Nearly killed me, but I got rid of the other 14 suits. Now I have a nice big drawer to fit something else in.

Or does everyone want to live in a tiny house? I’m so in love with the Tiny House Nation & Tiny House Hunting that it nearly kills me to miss an episode. I could totally see myself downsizing to 2 pair of shoes, 3 shirts, and 3 pairs of jeans.  I could totally live in a tiny space with a little loft for the Chandlers. Want one so badly….maybe someday, but for now I will hold on to my 145 pairs of shoes.

Or are my coworkers just a bit snarky? Yep, Jeremy who is usually perfectly delightful unless he is shooting zombie Nerf bullets at your face, has done come in today and started talking all reflicked after only being here 37 seconds. Wtf?  And don’t even get me started on the unhappy bitches who sit in the surrounding cubes, they have all the time in the world to complain about someone clipping their nails and who does or doesn’t wash their hands in the bathroom. Really people? Get your life together and worry about the fecal material on your hands and not on others hands. (Zombie Nerf guns are pictured above in Jeannette's hand and apparently shes a gangster as you can see from the expression on her face.)

Or have you met people in your life that makes you think that you might have been related to them in another life? Or maybe y’all spent some time incarcerated together. My friend Jeannette is just that for me. The first day I met her I was all, ‘Omg, She’s old. I can’t do old people.’ But after about two days, I think we were kindred spirits in another life. We both laugh at the same stupid, demented shit and we have planned a couple of murders complete with deposing of the body and burying it so no one will ever find them. Jeremy is gonna be first after today’s episode….

Or am I gonna have to cuss some cheap ass Mexicans out of my yard sale area? First let me start by saying that I’m in no way shape or form racist against some Mexicans. I eat their cuisine every day of my life. But I had a sewing machine in my yard sale that Mimi used one time and then decided that she didn’t like sewing after all. So let’s just say it was a new sewing machine….27 Mexicans hit me up to ask about the price on the sewing machine.  But when I answered with,  “ 50.00 dollars, it was used once.”’ Every one of their crackhead asses walked away.  One girl even blurted out, ‘Too much!’ as she walked away. So I came back with, “Then you gonna be a no sewing machine having woman as you walk back to your car.” I mean, did they want me to pay them 50.00 dollars to take it out of my yard? Better yet, how about I come over to your casa and sew some shit for you on my sewing machine.  

Or are there like a gazillion water bottles laying all over my house?  Any time I actually purchase bottled water and fill the fridge with it, not only does my family drink it and not fill the fridge back up, but they take it as their personal duty to actually place the half empty bottles on every flat surface in our home. When I make em drink tap water, there is nothing to clean up. So go figure...no more purchasing bottled water, they can take their chances with the contaminated faucet water.