Is it just me or....

** Do all men actually hang art and or pictures almost to the ceiling in their home?. Never allow a man to hang your decor or your grandma’s macrame owl’s ear will be touching your popcorn ceiling.  I have two brothers that look like their house was decorated by the same 8 foot person. And one that just throws some liquor bottles around and calls it a day.

** Does the dumbest shit happen to me? I’m at the tattoo place paying for my tattoo and minding my own business when my 16 year old pick up this tiny green and orange toy gun that they had decorating their counter.  He proceeds to put it right up to my ear, thinking that it is a water gun…..then……BANG! Oh hell no, it was a bitch ass cap gun.  I’m not kidding when I say Chandler, Justin the tattoo dude, and I all might have let a little shit pop out our butts at that very moment.  Once I got my hearing back, I laughed about it but at the time that ringing in my left ear was enough to make me want to throat punch my baby.

** Do all old people push the wrong buttons on their phone at all the wrong moments? So Hot Wheels, (my mom we talked about a little bit ago and who I call that name as a term of endearment as she has wheels on her walker and couldn’t sneak up on a deaf dude if she tried.) spent the night in the hospital last night after a small procedure to make her heart last longer and this went down……I called her, three times cause that’s how long it takes her to actually locate the phone to answer it. When she finally answered...

Me: Mom….Mom!

HW: What? Beep, boop, beep……Hey, what you Beep….Beep….boop.

Me: Hello? Mom?

HW: Tina Beep, boop.

Me: Omg, stop pushing the buttons!

HW: Beep, Beep….Boop, boop, beep.

Me: Your killing me! Stop that!

HW:  Stop what? Beep, beep…..Oh, I got to pee! Beep, beep, beepatibeep.

Me:  Can someone stab me in my juggler please?

This went on for about 5 minutes before I heard, “Talk to you Beep, beep, beep Love you.” Okay, that was like the twilight zone.

** Or does everyone try to get in the wrong car at the shopping mall, nursing home, movies, etc.? This has happened to me more than I’d actually like to admit. But I’m gonna tell you about the last time cause it might prove that I have a slight case of dementia.  Drove my VW convertible to the nursing home to visit Hot Wheels….came out an hour later and walk right up to a Dodge Grand Caravan, which I also own but was at home at the time. I stood behind this van and punched the shit out of the unlock button on my VW key fob for like 6 minutes, even tried to open the door of the van to get in it five times. When all the sudden my memory came rushing back and I look two cars down to see my baby convertible sitting in the spot right where I left it. If car could laugh, she would have been on her side, crying from laughter and peeing out her exhaust pipe. Then to make it worse I looked around to see that a 156 year old man with a walker was standing there watching this whole thing go down.  So as I walked over to the car I actually drove to said nursing home, I yelled to him, “Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”