Things fat people just should NOT do...

** Bungee Jumping – And for that matter fat people should never put themselves in a position to where they are more than 16 inches off the ground at any given time. You will fall to your death or you break something that won’t heal right and you will be walking like the Hunchback of Nashville. Just saying.

** Buying a bikini and or tube top – You should ONLY partake in this ritual if you are ALONE in a house with all the curtains drawn because someone will have a camera and you will end up on the People of Walmart website.

** Go outside in the heat of July – Okay, never, never, never go out in the summer if it’s say 80 degrees outside and sunny.  You will chafe in some very odd places that will take a butt load of Monkey Butt powder to cure.  Unless there is a body of water involved, just don’t do it. Say no.

** Laying their body on sand – You will get sand in spots you didn’t know existed and you’ll be dropping sand as you walk for the next two weeks. Sand has a funny way of crawling in your fat pockets.

** Push your body up against a table during a work meeting – Okay, I’ve done this and then lost my favorite pen 15 minutes into the meeting with 20 other people watching. Don’t worry, I found it in my front fat pocket as soon as I stood up.

** Run – Not only can your knees not take the pressure but your cankles can’t take it either. They will both break down all of your soft tissue and then you will be limping bone on bone.  If you see me running at any point in time, you will want to start running too cause Jason is chasing me with a machete. Okay?

** Imitating someone on wet carpet – Yep, was trying to show my coworkers what Kenny was doing with the trampoline pole over the weekend and ended up slipping on the newly cleaned wet carpet.  I did manage to do an awesome double back flip half tuck and completely severed my ACL.  Good times people.

** Wearing hooker pumps – And by that I mean 4 inch heels or higher for everyday use.  You’re fat and those tiny heels cannot hold up all of your weight, it’s bad enough that your knees and ankles have to do it but don’t put

some tiny pieces of wood through that. You’re gonna fall and break something. Just go with flats please, you’ll be happy you did.

** Test driving a Mini Cooper – Okay, Mini Coopers are not for fat people. I tried to hop into one and had to have the steering wheel up in my sternum to reach the peddles with my short fat legs. They had to pry me out of that car with the jaws of life.

** Go to Krispy Kreme without  checking your blood sugar – And now that I’m mentioning it, Krispy Kreme should start asking people if they would like their blood sugar checked before eating the donuts and an hour after eating their donuts.  I mean we could catch some people with some diabetes before their organs fall out of their butts from all the sugar they’ve been eating.

** Go down a water slide – Damn near killed my 5 year old stepson doing this crap. We both got on the mat and headed down the hill. All seemed fun until I realized that half way down the slide we were picking up momentum and that when we hit the bottom, Kris was gonna go under and I was going to drowned him with my fat ass. Luckily, he went under and I manage to be going so fast that I skipped across the water like a rock and landed on the steps leading out of the damn pool.