Things I've learned this year...

** Spiders are just here to terrorize you – I turned on the front porch light to let me dog out last night and this stupid spider had webbed this ginormous web all down one side of the porch.  As soon as I stepped out onto the porch, he starts doing the electric slide.  Like really?  Dude, just sit there and I might not kill you, but you are taunting me by dancing in front of my face like you are gonna jump on my juggler.  Oh and Lysol disinfecting spray doesn’t kill the spider it’s a lot like spider crack cause he just started dancing faster like he was at a rave.

** Hot Wheels (my stepmom) thinks I want her to drop dead on a daily basis – Um okay, I’m the only child here taking care of you Sister Kate!  Yes, some days I want to throat punch her if she ask one more question about what is laying on the floor, or what you bought at the Target, or why you bought it, or who it’s for, or what’s on TV tonight, or why she has no volume on channel 4 but does on all the others, or is there gas in her car (when she don't drive.) etc….but I think she’s being a bit dramatic when she said that crap to me.  We had to have some serious mother-daughter coming to Jesus talk over that comment.

** It is possible for the Baby Jesus to dump a gazillion leaves in your pool in the middle of summer but not let one drop of rain fall from the sky – Wtf? I was out there for an hour getting leaves out of that pool.  Some rain might be nice big guy, I’m chafing down here.

** My child will always be able make friends – He started driving school on Monday and yesterday when I picked him up, he came walking out with three girls all around him.  Like seriously? He was worried that he wouldn’t know anyone. Couldn’t even text me all day cause he was swapping Instagram and phone numbers with some bitches.

** You never truly know another person ever – You can only know you and count on you, cause like my Dad used to tell me, “Everyone else in life will let you down at some point. You are the only person you can count on.” Words to live by people….. I think that I might have to have that tattooed on me somewhere as a reminder to never let anyone get really close. Cause they will do something at some point in the relationship that will blow your mind and you’ll be standing there with your hands up in the air saying, “What just happened?” This includes spouses and family members; no one is exempt from this motto.

** I think my mom might be eating whole sticks of butter when no one is looking, just to see the hot surgeon doctor (pictured above.) – She will be going in for her 569^th vein replacement surgery on her leg tomorrow so that she can spend some sweet quality time with his beautiful ass. He is so hot that I’d do him on top of Kenny, okay?

** Your Mother will forget that she can't feel her hands but offer to drive - So Hot Wheels has been either in a nursing home or I've been working part time to help care for her this whole year.  She can't walk without her walker on wheels and she can't pick up a sandwich without it looking like it was run through the blender but for some reason she thinks she can still drive a car.  I almost fell out of my chair, girl you can't put toothpaste on a toothbrush, how are you gonna drive a vehicle?  Then she got mad when I told her, "Not no, but Hell no, you won't be driving a car probably ever again so get used to it."

** Target is not supporting the handicap peeps - As much money as that company makes (and I mean just off me.) you would think that they could afford a few more actual working electric carts for the handicap people.  Walmart may be on a lower pay scale but they have 50 carts per store and they are always charged.  Target got two carts that are always depleted. Wtf Target? Get your lives together and put one of those teenagers in charge of charging the few carts that you do have.

Is it just me or....

** Do all men actually hang art and or pictures almost to the ceiling in their home?. Never allow a man to hang your decor or your grandma’s macrame owl’s ear will be touching your popcorn ceiling.  I have two brothers that look like their house was decorated by the same 8 foot person. And one that just throws some liquor bottles around and calls it a day.

** Does the dumbest shit happen to me? I’m at the tattoo place paying for my tattoo and minding my own business when my 16 year old pick up this tiny green and orange toy gun that they had decorating their counter.  He proceeds to put it right up to my ear, thinking that it is a water gun…..then……BANG! Oh hell no, it was a bitch ass cap gun.  I’m not kidding when I say Chandler, Justin the tattoo dude, and I all might have let a little shit pop out our butts at that very moment.  Once I got my hearing back, I laughed about it but at the time that ringing in my left ear was enough to make me want to throat punch my baby.

** Do all old people push the wrong buttons on their phone at all the wrong moments? So Hot Wheels, (my mom we talked about a little bit ago and who I call that name as a term of endearment as she has wheels on her walker and couldn’t sneak up on a deaf dude if she tried.) spent the night in the hospital last night after a small procedure to make her heart last longer and this went down……I called her, three times cause that’s how long it takes her to actually locate the phone to answer it. When she finally answered...

Me: Mom….Mom!

HW: What? Beep, boop, beep……Hey, what you Beep….Beep….boop.

Me: Hello? Mom?

HW: Tina Beep, boop.

Me: Omg, stop pushing the buttons!

HW: Beep, Beep….Boop, boop, beep.

Me: Your killing me! Stop that!

HW:  Stop what? Beep, beep…..Oh, I got to pee! Beep, beep, beepatibeep.

Me:  Can someone stab me in my juggler please?

This went on for about 5 minutes before I heard, “Talk to you Beep, beep, beep Love you.” Okay, that was like the twilight zone.

** Or does everyone try to get in the wrong car at the shopping mall, nursing home, movies, etc.? This has happened to me more than I’d actually like to admit. But I’m gonna tell you about the last time cause it might prove that I have a slight case of dementia.  Drove my VW convertible to the nursing home to visit Hot Wheels….came out an hour later and walk right up to a Dodge Grand Caravan, which I also own but was at home at the time. I stood behind this van and punched the shit out of the unlock button on my VW key fob for like 6 minutes, even tried to open the door of the van to get in it five times. When all the sudden my memory came rushing back and I look two cars down to see my baby convertible sitting in the spot right where I left it. If car could laugh, she would have been on her side, crying from laughter and peeing out her exhaust pipe. Then to make it worse I looked around to see that a 156 year old man with a walker was standing there watching this whole thing go down.  So as I walked over to the car I actually drove to said nursing home, I yelled to him, “Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”

Where is my dog?

So today I’m going to tell you the story of how I lost my dog one evening inside a locked house. All doors were locked and we were all down for the night.  If you know Bella, she pretty much goes with me to the bathroom and follows me everywhere I go inside that house.  She’s my little sidekick.

One night it was about 8:00 pm, and I all of the sudden noticed that Bella was not beside me, I did stand up to make sure she hadn’t gotten stuck in any of my fat pockets cause we all know that I’ve lost stuff in those before.  I start to search the house screaming her name, the I resort to screaming, ‘do you want to go for a ride?’ as this dog lives for rides in the car, if she didn’t answer to that then in my head she was surely lying somewhere dead. So I get Chandlers help to search for her, the search moves outside and then after 30 minutes my creepy jump to conclusions mind takes over and I start to cry.

That’s when I hear Chandler scream, “I found her, but you’re not gonna believe this.” I run down the hall to Chandlers room to find Bella (in the photo above.) stuck to not one but two rat death sticky traps. Both front paws on one trap and her tail stuck to another. I got so tickled that I couldn’t even be mad, cause I was so glad that she was still alive. I can live with a dog that can’t walk due to sticky shit on her but dead I can’t live with.

After the laughter and the photo taken was over, I picked her up only to have her start flailing her legs and sticky pads around which was making it stick to my hair. Okay, you are dead if something happens to my hair. Okay?

I had to take her and actually start pulling the pads off of her feet. It was super hurtful for her and she kept trying to bite me, which just made me start screaming, “Do not try to bite me Bella!” That started everyone else in the house to erupt into laughter. Once the pads were off, I tried to cut the sticky from between her little feet pads but the biting commenced and I ain’t got time for that, so I just let her walk around the house and pick up little chips of food and dirt. She wasn't so sticky for long.

Moral to this story: Don’t put mouse death sticky traps under your child's desk cause your slightly retarded dog will step on them and not be able to run to you when you call her name.

Is it just me...

Or is it the air in Tennessee hot and sticky right now? I seriously have to put so much powder on my giant butt that I resemble a powdered doughnut when I walk out of the house.  And don’t even get me started on my hair in this dumb humidity…I have had to start just saying, ‘fuck it, I’m going with short bus hair today!’ Which makes me look like a fat Helga girl with two giant buns on either side of my head.  Such a hot look for the big girls. Even our pool water is like weird urine water all hot and funky….anyone want to come swim?

Or do driving bitches not have a lot of patience while riding the roads of Tennessee?  One of these impatient hookers if gonna make me get out of my child’s car during driving practice to yank them out of their car and beat them to death with their steering wheel while screaming, ‘Stop stressing my baby he is new to this whole driving thing and you riding his ass is not help any!’ Geez, when you see some hazard lights flashing, back the fuck off my bumper. Okay?

Or is everyone downsizing their personal belongings this year?  I sold my 1976 Serro Scotty camper that I loved and that was trapped in our backyard thanks to the extra brilliant contractor we hired to build a fence for us. Ask for an 8 foot gate to be put in front of the camper, but he felt that a 3 foot gate on the other side of the pool would be more effective.  Anyway back to downsizing, I realized this summer that I owned 16 bathing suits but really only wear two of them. Nearly killed me, but I got rid of the other 14 suits. Now I have a nice big drawer to fit something else in.

Or does everyone want to live in a tiny house? I’m so in love with the Tiny House Nation & Tiny House Hunting that it nearly kills me to miss an episode. I could totally see myself downsizing to 2 pair of shoes, 3 shirts, and 3 pairs of jeans.  I could totally live in a tiny space with a little loft for the Chandlers. Want one so badly….maybe someday, but for now I will hold on to my 145 pairs of shoes.

Or are my coworkers just a bit snarky? Yep, Jeremy who is usually perfectly delightful unless he is shooting zombie Nerf bullets at your face, has done come in today and started talking all reflicked after only being here 37 seconds. Wtf?  And don’t even get me started on the unhappy bitches who sit in the surrounding cubes, they have all the time in the world to complain about someone clipping their nails and who does or doesn’t wash their hands in the bathroom. Really people? Get your life together and worry about the fecal material on your hands and not on others hands. (Zombie Nerf guns are pictured above in Jeannette's hand and apparently shes a gangster as you can see from the expression on her face.)

Or have you met people in your life that makes you think that you might have been related to them in another life? Or maybe y’all spent some time incarcerated together. My friend Jeannette is just that for me. The first day I met her I was all, ‘Omg, She’s old. I can’t do old people.’ But after about two days, I think we were kindred spirits in another life. We both laugh at the same stupid, demented shit and we have planned a couple of murders complete with deposing of the body and burying it so no one will ever find them. Jeremy is gonna be first after today’s episode….

Or am I gonna have to cuss some cheap ass Mexicans out of my yard sale area? First let me start by saying that I’m in no way shape or form racist against some Mexicans. I eat their cuisine every day of my life. But I had a sewing machine in my yard sale that Mimi used one time and then decided that she didn’t like sewing after all. So let’s just say it was a new sewing machine….27 Mexicans hit me up to ask about the price on the sewing machine.  But when I answered with,  “ 50.00 dollars, it was used once.”’ Every one of their crackhead asses walked away.  One girl even blurted out, ‘Too much!’ as she walked away. So I came back with, “Then you gonna be a no sewing machine having woman as you walk back to your car.” I mean, did they want me to pay them 50.00 dollars to take it out of my yard? Better yet, how about I come over to your casa and sew some shit for you on my sewing machine.  

Or are there like a gazillion water bottles laying all over my house?  Any time I actually purchase bottled water and fill the fridge with it, not only does my family drink it and not fill the fridge back up, but they take it as their personal duty to actually place the half empty bottles on every flat surface in our home. When I make em drink tap water, there is nothing to clean up. So go figure...no more purchasing bottled water, they can take their chances with the contaminated faucet water.

Along came a spider...

Okay, so I’m in the line to pick Chandler up from high school, minding my own business when I see this ginormous black spider crawl up and onto my dash.  Not a big fan of spiders as a whole species.  So at this point, I had two options as there were cars parked on both sides of me.  Option #1 involved me screaming like a bitch being rape and murdered, jumping out of the car where I would surely have gotten my foot caught inside the car then tumbled out onto the pavement with a broken femur. Option #2 involved me very calmly opening my car door, stepping very gracefully out of the car, picking up a heavy piece of mail to smash his narrow ass with.  I went with option #2, but apparently said spider was way smarter than me and he ran back down into my dash when he saw me pick up the mail piece.  He knew he was about to go party with spider Jesus!

At this point Chandler, my arachnophobic 15 year old hops in the car with his 500 pound black backpack. We all know how well he handles any crisis but take that reaction and multiply it by 100 and that is his fear of spiders. As not to scare the bejesus out of him….

Me:  Hey Babe, we might have a slight problem today with the car.

Chandler:  What! What is it?

Me:  Okay, calm down but there might be a baby spider in my dash. But he is on my side so you should be okay.

Chandler:  Why didn’t you kill him!

Me:  I tried by he was super smart and figured out my plan to smash his ass and he ran back down into the dash. It’s okay.

We carried on our ‘how was your day at school’ talk for about ten minutes as we drove to Walgreens to pick up one of our residents medications. Sat in line for a good 35 minutes due to some woman needing her insurance card checked at the park thru, I mean drive thru window.  Finally this bitch pulls off and we pull up only to have Chandler scream and throw his legs up on the dash of the car of a VW Beetle…

Chandler:  Omg, there it is! Holy shit!

This some bitch done crawled to the top of the windshield, and attacked us from above by sliding down into Chandler lap…..Chandler’s 6 foot ass was screaming like a bitch having her kidneys stolen with no knock out meds. I couldn't get my legs up that high in a car that small for all the money in the world. His knees wew actually touching his ears!

Me:  Omg! He’s on your black backpack! We’re blind, we can’t see him cause he is black too! Get out of the car! He's gonna eat us!

Chandler:  Where did he go? Omg, I hate spiders! (He falls out of the car, backpack and all. Stands up to search the floorboard for stupid spider.)

Me:  (By this time, I’m still worried about the spider but I’m more worried that I just sat in that line for 35 minutes and that is 35 minutes of my life I won’t get back. So this is me to the girl that is standing behind the glass holding the phone to her ear and looking at us like we a circus act.) Hey, okay nothing against you personally but you should really have people pull back around if they are going to be more than a couple minutes. Every time I come here, I have to wait a good half hour at this window!

Walgreens aid: Um, we did make her drive around and she is beside you with her windows down. (about that time, Chandler is still doing the Scat dance while trying to locate the spider.)

Lady in the next window that I just complained about:  Hey, the spider is on the concrete right there. You can calm down now.

Me:  Omg, thanks so much!

Yep, paid for the meds and drove off with as much dignity as we might have still had in tack. I peed my pants on the way home from laughing at Chandler going into the hooker position in the front seat of that tiny car. Once that spider was actually out of the car we could both laugh about it. If Chandler had been driving at the time, he would have driven that car right through the pharmacy wall of the Walgreens. Fucking stupid spider.

Things fat people just should NOT do...

** Bungee Jumping – And for that matter fat people should never put themselves in a position to where they are more than 16 inches off the ground at any given time. You will fall to your death or you break something that won’t heal right and you will be walking like the Hunchback of Nashville. Just saying.

** Buying a bikini and or tube top – You should ONLY partake in this ritual if you are ALONE in a house with all the curtains drawn because someone will have a camera and you will end up on the People of Walmart website.

** Go outside in the heat of July – Okay, never, never, never go out in the summer if it’s say 80 degrees outside and sunny.  You will chafe in some very odd places that will take a butt load of Monkey Butt powder to cure.  Unless there is a body of water involved, just don’t do it. Say no.

** Laying their body on sand – You will get sand in spots you didn’t know existed and you’ll be dropping sand as you walk for the next two weeks. Sand has a funny way of crawling in your fat pockets.

** Push your body up against a table during a work meeting – Okay, I’ve done this and then lost my favorite pen 15 minutes into the meeting with 20 other people watching. Don’t worry, I found it in my front fat pocket as soon as I stood up.

** Run – Not only can your knees not take the pressure but your cankles can’t take it either. They will both break down all of your soft tissue and then you will be limping bone on bone.  If you see me running at any point in time, you will want to start running too cause Jason is chasing me with a machete. Okay?

** Imitating someone on wet carpet – Yep, was trying to show my coworkers what Kenny was doing with the trampoline pole over the weekend and ended up slipping on the newly cleaned wet carpet.  I did manage to do an awesome double back flip half tuck and completely severed my ACL.  Good times people.

** Wearing hooker pumps – And by that I mean 4 inch heels or higher for everyday use.  You’re fat and those tiny heels cannot hold up all of your weight, it’s bad enough that your knees and ankles have to do it but don’t put

some tiny pieces of wood through that. You’re gonna fall and break something. Just go with flats please, you’ll be happy you did.

** Test driving a Mini Cooper – Okay, Mini Coopers are not for fat people. I tried to hop into one and had to have the steering wheel up in my sternum to reach the peddles with my short fat legs. They had to pry me out of that car with the jaws of life.

** Go to Krispy Kreme without  checking your blood sugar – And now that I’m mentioning it, Krispy Kreme should start asking people if they would like their blood sugar checked before eating the donuts and an hour after eating their donuts.  I mean we could catch some people with some diabetes before their organs fall out of their butts from all the sugar they’ve been eating.

** Go down a water slide – Damn near killed my 5 year old stepson doing this crap. We both got on the mat and headed down the hill. All seemed fun until I realized that half way down the slide we were picking up momentum and that when we hit the bottom, Kris was gonna go under and I was going to drowned him with my fat ass. Luckily, he went under and I manage to be going so fast that I skipped across the water like a rock and landed on the steps leading out of the damn pool. 

Hide your kids, hide your husband, cause Chandler is driving...

Okay, so I'm gonna tell a story that I've never told on my blog before
....picture Chandler at 13 years old. It seems really young but he was the size of a full grown man which might have impaired my judgement on the day in question.
We were in the process of moving from a rental house to my mothers house across the street.  And btw, worst move ever...I'd rather pack all my shit in a giant truck and move it all at once.  I know we made 56982 trips across that street with small things.
Sorry got off track....so I ask Chandler if he would like to drive the van into the driveway, I mean he might as well learn sometime...right?
Obviously, today was NOT that day but I went with it anyway.  We had the back of the van open because it had a 100 year old vanity/dresser in the back.
He got behind the wheel, put his left foot on the brake and his right foot on the gas.  I nearly blew my groceries just from that action. I promptly explained that we only use our right foot to drive. Totally didn't get that memo!
So he puts the van in drive and he really didn't have to put his foot on the gas as the van does about 5 miles per hour without you touching the gas. He turns into the driveway, everything looks fine....then we heard a giant thud, to which we both turned around to find that one of the drawers of the vanity had fallen out of the van onto the driveway.
Well by the time I turned back to face the front of the van, we were veering off into the yard a bit, so I scream, "Stop the van!" To which Chandler, slams his giant hoof down on the gas pedal, mows down a giant shrub, then plows that van into the corner of our house.  Oh and did I mention, that I was in the passenger side which was now under the corner of the house. Yep, all I could think was that I was about to die, because it was into our garage, there really wasn't anything holding the roof up now but my van, my head and my new convertible robins egg blue VW beetle that he missed by
a millimeter of an inch.
It was at that very moment that I realized Chandler would not be a good candidate for any type of crisis situation (ie: Zombie Apocalypse, car accident, drive by shootings, etc.)...I really already knew this about him from the time my mom bleed out on our white carpet but had totally forgotten that until now. Chandler jumps out of the van, with it still in drive mode and screams....

Chandler:  OMG Mom I just hit the house! OMG, what are we gonna do. I've tried to kill you! Are you bleeding? Mom! Answer me!
Me:  First, you are gonna calm the hell down, then I'm gonna put the van in park. But I want you to go get Mimi right now!

Well, he couldn't really hear me so well, what with all the girl screaming that he was doing but I did manage to crawl across the middle console and out of the van before the house crushed me to death. Chandler did  make it into the house, down the hall, and into my mothers bedroom.  Only to scream, "Mimi, come quick! I killed Momma!'"
My neighbor saw the whole thing happen and he came running over to help. But I was in so much shock that we had just murdered our rental house 1 week before moving of it.  I mean, what are the odds people?  The van suffered 5000.00 dollars worth of damage and the house suffered the same...it's funny now but was really not funny when it happened.
I remember saying to him that day, "Baby, in a few years this will be a hoot. But for today, you're just a little bit freaked out."

Now onto a couple weeks ago which was right before his 16th birthday...I came home from work and told him to get his 1 pm still sleeping crackhead ass out the bed and lets go practice driving. He turned white and was all, "I can't drive. I tried to kill you and a house!' I tried to remind him that that actually took place when he was 13 but he wasn't buying it.
I did manage to get him into our black VW hardtop beetle and to the Big Lots parking lot....he got out, got in the drivers seat....

Chandler: Mom, why are you making me do something that you know I'm afraid to do.
Me:  Cause not being able to drive will cripple you for life and you will always have to depend on someone else to drive you around. Which make you someone else's burden. Don't be a burden!
Chandler:  I can't do this, I just can't!
Me:  The hell you can't. Unless you are gonna live in New York city where you can walk everywhere
and you don't actually need a car, you are doing this!
Chandler:  I like New York...I'll just do that.
Me:  (thru gritted teeth) Put the car in drive.
Chandler:  Okay, but I'm not gonna put my foot on the gas.
Me:  That's fine, today we will just learn to steer and press the brake.

So for the next 45 minutes we rode around that parking lot a steady speed of 3 miles per hour, which was a lot like watching paint dry. But seeing the smile on his face 5 minutes later was priceless for me.  Favorite parenting moment ever!
We are now two weeks into practice driving and I'm glad to report that he is actually pushing the gas petal now.  Which makes for some pretty good talks while telling him all the dumb shit I did when I first starting driving.
I hope this will get him completely over the Panic Throttle incident he had at 13 years old. And we gave him the black beetle for his birthday....he loves that car now.

Funniest things texted...

First, here is my selfie with a horse...we all know about my bad horse experience but this time I had a great one. He let me pet him, feed him and take a selfie with him. Loved that horse.

** Petted her/didn't know I was behind her

** No, I'm just feeling in the shower

** I sent dude a picture of me with bangs and now he wants to run away with me!

** Momma, do I look ugly without a chin?

** He lives under the barn, feasts on my grass and blueberries at the next door neighbors fence.

**Omg...the one about all of us with Ravi and the story of the dead ball...I was dying!

** We're making friends...from scratch...however, panties came off last night.

** If you find someone that lets you fly your freak flag and they love you even with the flag...do not fuck that up. Fix it now.

** Well then don't struggle and it won't hurt.