The end of the world...

Posted February 20, 2012 - Okay, not for nothing but right after kissing my 12 year old at he stroke of midnight on January 1st that rang in the new year. He started...

Chan: Omg, I'll be glad when this year is over.

Me: Why? We're only 3 seconds in.

Chan: Cause the world is suppose to end on December 21.

Me: Omg, seriously. You're a kid, you're not supposed to be worried about such nonsense.

Chan: Okay, but when it happens I'm gonna tell you I told you so.

Me: Whatever. Go to bed.

I swear he is counting down the days in his stressed out little 12 year old mind when he should be planning time away from us to treat his new found puberty like an amusement park. Which he has found the time for but that's a whole new story that I will tell for another day. I was awful for me.

So now I've found this new show called doomsday preppers. I hate these people, they have it all figured out. I even find myself feeling really unprepared for the future in case something horrible happens.

As far as I've gotten is that we should stock up on twin mattresses at yard sales this summer to pack up in the attic where we will live out at least a year with my food hoard cause as we all know. Zombies aren't smart enough to pull on the little cord that brings the attic door down, hell I can even pull the cord back up into the attic to make it a lot harder for them as they are trying to get to us to eat our brains. I actually made the mistake of joking about this and telling Kenny my plan when my voice of doom teenager walked in and completely freaked out because I was planning for the end of the world.

God, I hope everyone is wrong about December 12th or I'm never gonna hear the end of it and I really would rather not be trapped in my attic on a twin mattress with a drama queen teenager....I wish everyone luck on their doomsday hoard.

Note to self, must buy more bottle water and clean out attic to make room for supplies.... ;]

Car Bazaar & the CVS...

Posted January 10, 2012 - Omg, I'm staring the new year off with a fucking thud. First, my husband had to go to the CVS across town today because the one on our side of town didn't have my child's medication in stock.

Then he was told by the other one that they couldn't possibly fill it for him cause they have no record of our child or us. So this went down....

Megan: Hello CVS pharmacy, I'm Megan.

Me: Megan, my name is Tina and I have a question for you. Why in the hell would you not be able to find me or my husband in your system if we have been getting our prescriptions at the location just three miles from you? Could you answer that?

Megan: Are you Chandler's mom? 

Me: Yes, I am. 

Megan: Well I did a search of our..... 

Me: Would it help if I gave you a prescription number off a bottle I picked up from them yesterday? 

Megan: Sure. (gave the number and she still couldn't find it.) 

Me: This is ridiculous. Are you run out of someones basement in PoDunk Tennessee? I mean really? 

Megan: I tell you what, I'm gonna call your location and get all the information I need to fill this for you. How does that sound. 

Me: Awesome Megan. And you just dodged a bullet. 

Megan: I'm sure. We'll see you in a little bit.

Okay, so thanks to Megan I didn't have to throw a fit. But then I left work early to get to our state tag office to pick up my tags for my new cute car (see photo above.) Now let me tell you first that I had my husband go down to the sorry excuse for a dealership to pick up my so called title two days ago. Oh and I paid cash for the car and this went down.....

Tag girl: Here you go, here is your new tag. 

Me: So what happens with the title. 

Tag girl: Well it states here that there is a lien with Green bank so the title will go to them. 

Me: Pump the brakes....I paid cash for the car. 

Tag girl: Oh, you bought it at Car Bazaar....(then she went into an evil laugh.) 

Girl at next desk: Did you say Car Bazaar? 

Tag girl: Yep, they got another one. 

Me: Omg what are you talking about? 

Tag girl: Well, they are pretty worthless from what we can tell as about 8 out of 10 people who buy from them have the exact look on their faces that you have right now. They ultimately screw something up to where people can't get their tags. 

Me: Oh hell no...(pulling my cell out of my bra, I call CB only to be met with an answering machine. I mean what kind of establishment has an answering machine if they want to sell a fucking car? So I left a message out loud in front of my new audience.) Yeah, My name is Tina and I paid cash for a car from you two weeks ago and I'm now standing in the tag office trying to get tags but am being told that there is a lien on my car. Call me back immediately to hand me my fucking 15 thousand dollars back you asshole! 

Tag girl: That was awesome. 

Me: Oh no, I'm going down there that is gonna be even more awesome. 

Tag girl: Sweetie you should probably calm down before you get there. 

Me: You should probably call the Franklin police to give them a heads up.

  

So off I storm out the door and then I call my mom. She is trying to calm me down for the whole two miles to get to the damn place and I swear to you that they were closed. At 4:20 pm on a Thursday....closed, dark, doors locked. I screamed to my mother that I had to and I would call her back. I called information and got the location in Nashville....

Dude: Thanks for calling Car Bazaar, how may I help you? 

Me: Yeah is Elvis there. (Elvis is the manager for both locations.) 

Dude: No, he's at the Franklin location today. 

Me: No, he's not. 

Dude: Yes, ma'am he is. 

Me: I'm standing in the parking lot in Franklin. Now unless he is dead inside with all the lights out then he's not here. 

Dude: Well he's sup........ 

Me: Get me the owner to the phone 

Dude: What...um...who? 

Me: Yeah dude, it's O W N E R. Owner to the phone. The man that owns the car dealership. Him. Get him to the phone. 

Dude: He's not here. 

Me: Then get me someone who is fucking in charge, please. (I hear him go over to some guy and say, "good luck.")

Bob: Hello this Bob, can I help you?

Me: Bob, I'm gonna give you the cliff notes version of what's taken place. I bought a car two weeks ago in Franklin, I paid cash, I picked up a title two days ago, I went to the tag office today to get my tags and was told that there is a lien on my car at Green Bank. Would you like to explain how there could be a lien when I paid cash for the car.

Bob: Well yes ma'am, see we take your money and pay it to the bank then they send us the title.

Me: Then why the fuck did he give me a title two days ago that is completely useless?

Bob: Which car did you buy?

Me: The 06 convertible beetle. Blue.

Bob: Oh it says right here on your paperwork that your title will be here tomorrow.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I picked it up two days ago.

Bob: The one you picked up has the name of the girl that we bought it from. The one that will be here tomorrow has your name on it.

Me: You have got to be kidding me? Oh and by the way your company is a fucking joke with tag office here.

Bob: What does that mean?

Me: Well they said that you guys do this all the time and that most people you sell cars to have the same look of bewilderment on their faces that I did.

Bob: I'm really sorry that they didn't explain any of this to you. But your title will be at their office by 10:30 in the morning.

Me: If it is not, I'm here to tell you that you will need call the the police cause I will be down there to key every vehicle that is sitting on that lot. Do you understand me?

Bob: I do and again I'm really sorry for all of this.

I swear he's probably blowing some seriously filthy smoke up my ass. But I will be on their phone in the morning at 9:30 and will call every 5 minutes until I get the title in my name.....wish me luck people.

Sticky pads ain't no joke...

Posted December 5, 2011 - Okay, so we have had to purchase the sticky pad mouse traps for our house cause trying to bait the little wooden cheap ass ones is a bitch.

So sometimes apparently you catch some unsuspecting little critters instead of mice. I started putting one beside our garage door to catch the mice as they enter through such a huge opening, we caught one a couple weeks ago but he had managed to drag his little mouse ass and the trap across the whole two car garage before he gave up and died.

I sat out another trap and all was fine until we returned from our Christmas shop outing on Saturday. I pulled the car into the garage and Kenny jumps out first to which I guess the bird was flapping his little wings to try and escape from the sticky pad but scared the shit out of my sissy husband instead.

He starts screaming:

Kenny: Omg! Honey I need help!

Me: What? I can't find my phone. Hold on!

Kenny: Hurry!

Me: Omg, what's more important that finding my phone. (which by the way was stuck in my bra the whole time I'm searching the car. Duh...)

Kenny: A baby bird is catch on your stupid sticky pad thing.

Me: Oh, once it's bad...it's my sticky pad thing and not yours. While it was catching mice, it was awesome. Now you're bad mouthing the.....(about this time I rounded the back of the car to see the sweetest tiniest little bird with his feet permanently planted on that sticky pad.) Omg, that's so sad. Oh Kenny he is blinking at me. Do something.

Kenny: What do you want me to do?

Me: Well, we can't get him off. You could just leave him and he should be dead by morning.

Kenny: But he's suffering.

Me: Okay, there's the broom. Whack him over the head, but do it hard enough to kill him with the first hit. (with that being said, Chandler and I ran into the house. we didn't even get the door shut before we heard all the noise.)

Kenny: I'm so sorry little bird....(BAM) Oh God, die little buddy...(BAM) I know this sucks...(BAM) I'm so sorry little guy...(BAM) (BAM) (BAM)

Let me tell you that it seems like an eternity but really it was over in about 6 seconds. Kenny will never be the same. Oh yeah, he can shut people and steal their cars all day long on a video game but ask him to whack a real bird and he comes apart. He was silent for the rest of the day....which was good for us. I hope your Saturday was better than Kenny's...

You crazy Mexican bitch...

Posted December 11, 2007 - Okay, so I do payroll for a living and have for the last 15 years but let me just tell you that I've never in my life dealt with a angry Mexican lady like this before.

Cliff notes version is she is a ex employee that quit in 2010. In 2009 we mistakenly set up a child support order against her because the stupid state of New York child support office doesn't provide a social security number on their orders. And there are a bazillion Carlos Hernandez's in the world. Okay?

Now the money came out of her check at a rate of 216.00 per pay period for four months before she finally took it to her clinic manager's attention to which we handed this over to our corporate office to refund her. Long story short, she calls me two years later wanting her 1100.00 dollar refund.

Me: Payroll?

cmb: Hellllooooo, my name Carmeeeen and jew have some monee that belong to me. Jew use my shochal number in fraud. I need my monee sent to me.

Me: (after checking the system.) Ma'am you realize that it's been two years since that money was taken out of your check?

cmb: Who care? I no care how long it's beeeen. Peas, I need my monee.

Me: Okay, can you tell me why you haven't ask for this in the last two years?

cmb: I call jew tousend times, no answer over two year. Jew no call back, jew no answer me.

Me: This is the first time I've ever heard your name.

cmb: Jew call manager she tell jew I what need.

Me: Okay.

cmb: I call back tomorrow.

So after calling her clinic manager I find out that she was actually homeless when she interviewed to stick needles in people and not only did we hire her off the street, we offered her 10,000.00 dollar sign on bonus. Of which she has collected 7500.00. The contract states that if she leaves before two years of service are completed, she owes it back. Well guess what little kiddos, chick quit just shy 2 months of two years. And then she assaulted her clinic manager and had to be taken out of the clinic by the help of some male nurse clinic bouncers. In other words, she is bat shit crazy. Which is exactly why she called the very next day.

Me: Payroll

cmb: Hellllooooo, Tiiiiinnnnnaaaaa do jew got my monee?

Me: Um, no. Do you got our monee? We paid you 7500.00 dollars and you quit before you're two years was up. So after we deduct what we owe you. You need to send us a monee order for 6400.00 dollars. How does that sound?

cmb: What jew talking bout? I no get monee from jew.

Me: Really? Cause we wrote you a 2500.00 dollar check the day after we hired you so you could get an apartment, then we paid you 2500.00 two more times of the last year and a half. Does any of that jog your memory?

cmb: Donde este blah, blah, blah......

She went stupid with some Spanish talking, threw the phone down, then I had to explain the whole shit over again to her friend who didn't speaka much better than she did. And I'll have you know we sent this on to our legal department and these dillholes wrote her a check for the 1100.00. Then turned around and sued her for the 7500.00 dollars cause as they saw it they were two separate issues....okay, it's your money.

I just can't believe some of the damn phone calls I get, I'll share some more as they come down the line.

Things I've learned this year...

** Spiders are just here to terrorize you – I turned on the front porch light to let me dog out last night and this stupid spider had webbed this ginormous web all down one side of the porch.  As soon as I stepped out onto the porch, he starts doing the electric slide.  Like really?  Dude, just sit there and I might not kill you, but you are taunting me by dancing in front of my face like you are gonna jump on my juggler.  Oh and Lysol disinfecting spray doesn’t kill the spider it’s a lot like spider crack cause he just started dancing faster like he was at a rave.

** Hot Wheels (my stepmom) thinks I want her to drop dead on a daily basis – Um okay, I’m the only child here taking care of you Sister Kate!  Yes, some days I want to throat punch her if she ask one more question about what is laying on the floor, or what you bought at the Target, or why you bought it, or who it’s for, or what’s on TV tonight, or why she has no volume on channel 4 but does on all the others, or is there gas in her car (when she don't drive.) etc….but I think she’s being a bit dramatic when she said that crap to me.  We had to have some serious mother-daughter coming to Jesus talk over that comment.

** It is possible for the Baby Jesus to dump a gazillion leaves in your pool in the middle of summer but not let one drop of rain fall from the sky – Wtf? I was out there for an hour getting leaves out of that pool.  Some rain might be nice big guy, I’m chafing down here.

** My child will always be able make friends – He started driving school on Monday and yesterday when I picked him up, he came walking out with three girls all around him.  Like seriously? He was worried that he wouldn’t know anyone. Couldn’t even text me all day cause he was swapping Instagram and phone numbers with some bitches.

** You never truly know another person ever – You can only know you and count on you, cause like my Dad used to tell me, “Everyone else in life will let you down at some point. You are the only person you can count on.” Words to live by people….. I think that I might have to have that tattooed on me somewhere as a reminder to never let anyone get really close. Cause they will do something at some point in the relationship that will blow your mind and you’ll be standing there with your hands up in the air saying, “What just happened?” This includes spouses and family members; no one is exempt from this motto.

** I think my mom might be eating whole sticks of butter when no one is looking, just to see the hot surgeon doctor (pictured above.) – She will be going in for her 569^th vein replacement surgery on her leg tomorrow so that she can spend some sweet quality time with his beautiful ass. He is so hot that I’d do him on top of Kenny, okay?

** Your Mother will forget that she can't feel her hands but offer to drive - So Hot Wheels has been either in a nursing home or I've been working part time to help care for her this whole year.  She can't walk without her walker on wheels and she can't pick up a sandwich without it looking like it was run through the blender but for some reason she thinks she can still drive a car.  I almost fell out of my chair, girl you can't put toothpaste on a toothbrush, how are you gonna drive a vehicle?  Then she got mad when I told her, "Not no, but Hell no, you won't be driving a car probably ever again so get used to it."

** Target is not supporting the handicap peeps - As much money as that company makes (and I mean just off me.) you would think that they could afford a few more actual working electric carts for the handicap people.  Walmart may be on a lower pay scale but they have 50 carts per store and they are always charged.  Target got two carts that are always depleted. Wtf Target? Get your lives together and put one of those teenagers in charge of charging the few carts that you do have.

Is it just me or....

** Do all men actually hang art and or pictures almost to the ceiling in their home?. Never allow a man to hang your decor or your grandma’s macrame owl’s ear will be touching your popcorn ceiling.  I have two brothers that look like their house was decorated by the same 8 foot person. And one that just throws some liquor bottles around and calls it a day.

** Does the dumbest shit happen to me? I’m at the tattoo place paying for my tattoo and minding my own business when my 16 year old pick up this tiny green and orange toy gun that they had decorating their counter.  He proceeds to put it right up to my ear, thinking that it is a water gun…..then……BANG! Oh hell no, it was a bitch ass cap gun.  I’m not kidding when I say Chandler, Justin the tattoo dude, and I all might have let a little shit pop out our butts at that very moment.  Once I got my hearing back, I laughed about it but at the time that ringing in my left ear was enough to make me want to throat punch my baby.

** Do all old people push the wrong buttons on their phone at all the wrong moments? So Hot Wheels, (my mom we talked about a little bit ago and who I call that name as a term of endearment as she has wheels on her walker and couldn’t sneak up on a deaf dude if she tried.) spent the night in the hospital last night after a small procedure to make her heart last longer and this went down……I called her, three times cause that’s how long it takes her to actually locate the phone to answer it. When she finally answered...

Me: Mom….Mom!

HW: What? Beep, boop, beep……Hey, what you Beep….Beep….boop.

Me: Hello? Mom?

HW: Tina Beep, boop.

Me: Omg, stop pushing the buttons!

HW: Beep, Beep….Boop, boop, beep.

Me: Your killing me! Stop that!

HW:  Stop what? Beep, beep…..Oh, I got to pee! Beep, beep, beepatibeep.

Me:  Can someone stab me in my juggler please?

This went on for about 5 minutes before I heard, “Talk to you Beep, beep, beep Love you.” Okay, that was like the twilight zone.

** Or does everyone try to get in the wrong car at the shopping mall, nursing home, movies, etc.? This has happened to me more than I’d actually like to admit. But I’m gonna tell you about the last time cause it might prove that I have a slight case of dementia.  Drove my VW convertible to the nursing home to visit Hot Wheels….came out an hour later and walk right up to a Dodge Grand Caravan, which I also own but was at home at the time. I stood behind this van and punched the shit out of the unlock button on my VW key fob for like 6 minutes, even tried to open the door of the van to get in it five times. When all the sudden my memory came rushing back and I look two cars down to see my baby convertible sitting in the spot right where I left it. If car could laugh, she would have been on her side, crying from laughter and peeing out her exhaust pipe. Then to make it worse I looked around to see that a 156 year old man with a walker was standing there watching this whole thing go down.  So as I walked over to the car I actually drove to said nursing home, I yelled to him, “Thank you, I’ll be here all week.”

Where is my dog?

So today I’m going to tell you the story of how I lost my dog one evening inside a locked house. All doors were locked and we were all down for the night.  If you know Bella, she pretty much goes with me to the bathroom and follows me everywhere I go inside that house.  She’s my little sidekick.

One night it was about 8:00 pm, and I all of the sudden noticed that Bella was not beside me, I did stand up to make sure she hadn’t gotten stuck in any of my fat pockets cause we all know that I’ve lost stuff in those before.  I start to search the house screaming her name, the I resort to screaming, ‘do you want to go for a ride?’ as this dog lives for rides in the car, if she didn’t answer to that then in my head she was surely lying somewhere dead. So I get Chandlers help to search for her, the search moves outside and then after 30 minutes my creepy jump to conclusions mind takes over and I start to cry.

That’s when I hear Chandler scream, “I found her, but you’re not gonna believe this.” I run down the hall to Chandlers room to find Bella (in the photo above.) stuck to not one but two rat death sticky traps. Both front paws on one trap and her tail stuck to another. I got so tickled that I couldn’t even be mad, cause I was so glad that she was still alive. I can live with a dog that can’t walk due to sticky shit on her but dead I can’t live with.

After the laughter and the photo taken was over, I picked her up only to have her start flailing her legs and sticky pads around which was making it stick to my hair. Okay, you are dead if something happens to my hair. Okay?

I had to take her and actually start pulling the pads off of her feet. It was super hurtful for her and she kept trying to bite me, which just made me start screaming, “Do not try to bite me Bella!” That started everyone else in the house to erupt into laughter. Once the pads were off, I tried to cut the sticky from between her little feet pads but the biting commenced and I ain’t got time for that, so I just let her walk around the house and pick up little chips of food and dirt. She wasn't so sticky for long.

Moral to this story: Don’t put mouse death sticky traps under your child's desk cause your slightly retarded dog will step on them and not be able to run to you when you call her name.