The end of the world...

Posted February 20, 2012 - Okay, not for nothing but right after kissing my 12 year old at he stroke of midnight on January 1st that rang in the new year. He started...

Chan: Omg, I'll be glad when this year is over.

Me: Why? We're only 3 seconds in.

Chan: Cause the world is suppose to end on December 21.

Me: Omg, seriously. You're a kid, you're not supposed to be worried about such nonsense.

Chan: Okay, but when it happens I'm gonna tell you I told you so.

Me: Whatever. Go to bed.

I swear he is counting down the days in his stressed out little 12 year old mind when he should be planning time away from us to treat his new found puberty like an amusement park. Which he has found the time for but that's a whole new story that I will tell for another day. I was awful for me.

So now I've found this new show called doomsday preppers. I hate these people, they have it all figured out. I even find myself feeling really unprepared for the future in case something horrible happens.

As far as I've gotten is that we should stock up on twin mattresses at yard sales this summer to pack up in the attic where we will live out at least a year with my food hoard cause as we all know. Zombies aren't smart enough to pull on the little cord that brings the attic door down, hell I can even pull the cord back up into the attic to make it a lot harder for them as they are trying to get to us to eat our brains. I actually made the mistake of joking about this and telling Kenny my plan when my voice of doom teenager walked in and completely freaked out because I was planning for the end of the world.

God, I hope everyone is wrong about December 12th or I'm never gonna hear the end of it and I really would rather not be trapped in my attic on a twin mattress with a drama queen teenager....I wish everyone luck on their doomsday hoard.

Note to self, must buy more bottle water and clean out attic to make room for supplies.... ;]

Car Bazaar & the CVS...

Posted January 10, 2012 - Omg, I'm staring the new year off with a fucking thud. First, my husband had to go to the CVS across town today because the one on our side of town didn't have my child's medication in stock.

Then he was told by the other one that they couldn't possibly fill it for him cause they have no record of our child or us. So this went down....

Megan: Hello CVS pharmacy, I'm Megan.

Me: Megan, my name is Tina and I have a question for you. Why in the hell would you not be able to find me or my husband in your system if we have been getting our prescriptions at the location just three miles from you? Could you answer that?

Megan: Are you Chandler's mom? 

Me: Yes, I am. 

Megan: Well I did a search of our..... 

Me: Would it help if I gave you a prescription number off a bottle I picked up from them yesterday? 

Megan: Sure. (gave the number and she still couldn't find it.) 

Me: This is ridiculous. Are you run out of someones basement in PoDunk Tennessee? I mean really? 

Megan: I tell you what, I'm gonna call your location and get all the information I need to fill this for you. How does that sound. 

Me: Awesome Megan. And you just dodged a bullet. 

Megan: I'm sure. We'll see you in a little bit.

Okay, so thanks to Megan I didn't have to throw a fit. But then I left work early to get to our state tag office to pick up my tags for my new cute car (see photo above.) Now let me tell you first that I had my husband go down to the sorry excuse for a dealership to pick up my so called title two days ago. Oh and I paid cash for the car and this went down.....

Tag girl: Here you go, here is your new tag. 

Me: So what happens with the title. 

Tag girl: Well it states here that there is a lien with Green bank so the title will go to them. 

Me: Pump the brakes....I paid cash for the car. 

Tag girl: Oh, you bought it at Car Bazaar....(then she went into an evil laugh.) 

Girl at next desk: Did you say Car Bazaar? 

Tag girl: Yep, they got another one. 

Me: Omg what are you talking about? 

Tag girl: Well, they are pretty worthless from what we can tell as about 8 out of 10 people who buy from them have the exact look on their faces that you have right now. They ultimately screw something up to where people can't get their tags. 

Me: Oh hell no...(pulling my cell out of my bra, I call CB only to be met with an answering machine. I mean what kind of establishment has an answering machine if they want to sell a fucking car? So I left a message out loud in front of my new audience.) Yeah, My name is Tina and I paid cash for a car from you two weeks ago and I'm now standing in the tag office trying to get tags but am being told that there is a lien on my car. Call me back immediately to hand me my fucking 15 thousand dollars back you asshole! 

Tag girl: That was awesome. 

Me: Oh no, I'm going down there that is gonna be even more awesome. 

Tag girl: Sweetie you should probably calm down before you get there. 

Me: You should probably call the Franklin police to give them a heads up.

  

So off I storm out the door and then I call my mom. She is trying to calm me down for the whole two miles to get to the damn place and I swear to you that they were closed. At 4:20 pm on a Thursday....closed, dark, doors locked. I screamed to my mother that I had to and I would call her back. I called information and got the location in Nashville....

Dude: Thanks for calling Car Bazaar, how may I help you? 

Me: Yeah is Elvis there. (Elvis is the manager for both locations.) 

Dude: No, he's at the Franklin location today. 

Me: No, he's not. 

Dude: Yes, ma'am he is. 

Me: I'm standing in the parking lot in Franklin. Now unless he is dead inside with all the lights out then he's not here. 

Dude: Well he's sup........ 

Me: Get me the owner to the phone 

Dude: What...um...who? 

Me: Yeah dude, it's O W N E R. Owner to the phone. The man that owns the car dealership. Him. Get him to the phone. 

Dude: He's not here. 

Me: Then get me someone who is fucking in charge, please. (I hear him go over to some guy and say, "good luck.")

Bob: Hello this Bob, can I help you?

Me: Bob, I'm gonna give you the cliff notes version of what's taken place. I bought a car two weeks ago in Franklin, I paid cash, I picked up a title two days ago, I went to the tag office today to get my tags and was told that there is a lien on my car at Green Bank. Would you like to explain how there could be a lien when I paid cash for the car.

Bob: Well yes ma'am, see we take your money and pay it to the bank then they send us the title.

Me: Then why the fuck did he give me a title two days ago that is completely useless?

Bob: Which car did you buy?

Me: The 06 convertible beetle. Blue.

Bob: Oh it says right here on your paperwork that your title will be here tomorrow.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I picked it up two days ago.

Bob: The one you picked up has the name of the girl that we bought it from. The one that will be here tomorrow has your name on it.

Me: You have got to be kidding me? Oh and by the way your company is a fucking joke with tag office here.

Bob: What does that mean?

Me: Well they said that you guys do this all the time and that most people you sell cars to have the same look of bewilderment on their faces that I did.

Bob: I'm really sorry that they didn't explain any of this to you. But your title will be at their office by 10:30 in the morning.

Me: If it is not, I'm here to tell you that you will need call the the police cause I will be down there to key every vehicle that is sitting on that lot. Do you understand me?

Bob: I do and again I'm really sorry for all of this.

I swear he's probably blowing some seriously filthy smoke up my ass. But I will be on their phone in the morning at 9:30 and will call every 5 minutes until I get the title in my name.....wish me luck people.

Sticky pads ain't no joke...

Posted December 5, 2011 - Okay, so we have had to purchase the sticky pad mouse traps for our house cause trying to bait the little wooden cheap ass ones is a bitch.

So sometimes apparently you catch some unsuspecting little critters instead of mice. I started putting one beside our garage door to catch the mice as they enter through such a huge opening, we caught one a couple weeks ago but he had managed to drag his little mouse ass and the trap across the whole two car garage before he gave up and died.

I sat out another trap and all was fine until we returned from our Christmas shop outing on Saturday. I pulled the car into the garage and Kenny jumps out first to which I guess the bird was flapping his little wings to try and escape from the sticky pad but scared the shit out of my sissy husband instead.

He starts screaming:

Kenny: Omg! Honey I need help!

Me: What? I can't find my phone. Hold on!

Kenny: Hurry!

Me: Omg, what's more important that finding my phone. (which by the way was stuck in my bra the whole time I'm searching the car. Duh...)

Kenny: A baby bird is catch on your stupid sticky pad thing.

Me: Oh, once it's bad...it's my sticky pad thing and not yours. While it was catching mice, it was awesome. Now you're bad mouthing the.....(about this time I rounded the back of the car to see the sweetest tiniest little bird with his feet permanently planted on that sticky pad.) Omg, that's so sad. Oh Kenny he is blinking at me. Do something.

Kenny: What do you want me to do?

Me: Well, we can't get him off. You could just leave him and he should be dead by morning.

Kenny: But he's suffering.

Me: Okay, there's the broom. Whack him over the head, but do it hard enough to kill him with the first hit. (with that being said, Chandler and I ran into the house. we didn't even get the door shut before we heard all the noise.)

Kenny: I'm so sorry little bird....(BAM) Oh God, die little buddy...(BAM) I know this sucks...(BAM) I'm so sorry little guy...(BAM) (BAM) (BAM)

Let me tell you that it seems like an eternity but really it was over in about 6 seconds. Kenny will never be the same. Oh yeah, he can shut people and steal their cars all day long on a video game but ask him to whack a real bird and he comes apart. He was silent for the rest of the day....which was good for us. I hope your Saturday was better than Kenny's...

You crazy Mexican bitch...

Posted December 11, 2007 - Okay, so I do payroll for a living and have for the last 15 years but let me just tell you that I've never in my life dealt with a angry Mexican lady like this before.

Cliff notes version is she is a ex employee that quit in 2010. In 2009 we mistakenly set up a child support order against her because the stupid state of New York child support office doesn't provide a social security number on their orders. And there are a bazillion Carlos Hernandez's in the world. Okay?

Now the money came out of her check at a rate of 216.00 per pay period for four months before she finally took it to her clinic manager's attention to which we handed this over to our corporate office to refund her. Long story short, she calls me two years later wanting her 1100.00 dollar refund.

Me: Payroll?

cmb: Hellllooooo, my name Carmeeeen and jew have some monee that belong to me. Jew use my shochal number in fraud. I need my monee sent to me.

Me: (after checking the system.) Ma'am you realize that it's been two years since that money was taken out of your check?

cmb: Who care? I no care how long it's beeeen. Peas, I need my monee.

Me: Okay, can you tell me why you haven't ask for this in the last two years?

cmb: I call jew tousend times, no answer over two year. Jew no call back, jew no answer me.

Me: This is the first time I've ever heard your name.

cmb: Jew call manager she tell jew I what need.

Me: Okay.

cmb: I call back tomorrow.

So after calling her clinic manager I find out that she was actually homeless when she interviewed to stick needles in people and not only did we hire her off the street, we offered her 10,000.00 dollar sign on bonus. Of which she has collected 7500.00. The contract states that if she leaves before two years of service are completed, she owes it back. Well guess what little kiddos, chick quit just shy 2 months of two years. And then she assaulted her clinic manager and had to be taken out of the clinic by the help of some male nurse clinic bouncers. In other words, she is bat shit crazy. Which is exactly why she called the very next day.

Me: Payroll

cmb: Hellllooooo, Tiiiiinnnnnaaaaa do jew got my monee?

Me: Um, no. Do you got our monee? We paid you 7500.00 dollars and you quit before you're two years was up. So after we deduct what we owe you. You need to send us a monee order for 6400.00 dollars. How does that sound?

cmb: What jew talking bout? I no get monee from jew.

Me: Really? Cause we wrote you a 2500.00 dollar check the day after we hired you so you could get an apartment, then we paid you 2500.00 two more times of the last year and a half. Does any of that jog your memory?

cmb: Donde este blah, blah, blah......

She went stupid with some Spanish talking, threw the phone down, then I had to explain the whole shit over again to her friend who didn't speaka much better than she did. And I'll have you know we sent this on to our legal department and these dillholes wrote her a check for the 1100.00. Then turned around and sued her for the 7500.00 dollars cause as they saw it they were two separate issues....okay, it's your money.

I just can't believe some of the damn phone calls I get, I'll share some more as they come down the line.